OH THE JOYS OF THOSE…..
One of the first passages of scripture I memorized
many years ago was the first Psalm. At the time I was reading
through the Living Bible. Psalm 1 in this translation starts out
with,
"Oh the joys of those…."
It then goes on to tell of how happy, how blessed
are the people who shun the company and the ways of those folks
who practice wickedness and scoff at the things of God. Instead
it reveals the secret to real joy -- knowing and pondering (daily)
God's ways, His word, His law.
And then it states the pay off:
Do you see the key? These are the benefits of being
people of God's word. These are not promises for good people,
for church-going people, for nice people, for decent people. These
are promises reserved for those Christians that go the next, critical
step: "and day and night they meditate upon God's law and
seek ways to follow Him more closely".
It is so easy -- yet it is so hard. Quit striving,
and start living every minute for God. Discover the JOY of God's
great plan and provision He has reserved for those that take His
ways seriously!
Read Psalm 1, memorize it, make it part of your thought
life, GET THE JOY!!
FROM THE SUBLIME TO THE SILLY
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
(sent in by Laurie Hale - Texas)
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise
your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always
wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your
boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these
names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry I'm going to have to
disagree with you there, Chachi."
4. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing.
For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in
the bathroom."
5. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since
you started doing this.
6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers
in "Palmolive."
7. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
8. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're
waiting for your document.
9. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for
lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting
eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
10. Insist that your e-mail address be
"zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
11. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries
with that.
12. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about
the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-
worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
13. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
dancing.
14. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
15. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too
many."
16. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
17. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge.
Try to pass them off as your children.
18. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in
the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you
can catch in your mouth.
19. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the
lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat
your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be
faster than that."
20. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
TRAVEL AGENT HUMOR
(sent in by Bill Violette - Florida)
Here are some funny, and supposedly true stories
from travel agents.
* I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat
on an airplane so their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near
the window.
* A client called in inquiring about a package to
Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "would
it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to
Hawaii?"
* A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans,
Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles,
and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I
called her back, she was not even embarrassed.
* A man called, furious about a Florida package we
did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said
he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is
not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He
replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida
is a very thin state."
* Another man called and asked if he could rent a
car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he
had a one-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted
to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport,
and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
* A nice lady just called. She needed to know how
it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 AM and
got into Chicago at 8:33 AM. I tried to explain that Michigan
was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the
concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very
fast, and she bought that!
* A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination
tag on her luggage.
* I just got off the phone with a man who asked,
"How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what
exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight
number is 823, but none of these idiot planes have a number on
them."
YOU KNOW YOU WORK IN THE '90'S WHEN...
(sent in by Clay Zirkle - Florida)
Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast
food bags out of the back seat of your car.
Your reason for not staying in touch with family
is that they do not have email addresses.
You have a "to do list" that includes entries
for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that
get crossed off.
You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
You assume any question about whether to valet park
or not is rhetorical.
You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing
cabinet.
Your idea of being organized is multiple colored
post-it notes.
Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so
long some of the products don't even exist anymore (who else misses
Tang?).
You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can
wear sweats to work.
You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what
you do for a living.
You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive
restaurant in town within the same week.
You think that "progressing an action plan"
and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English
phrases.
You know the people at the airport hotels better
than your next door neighbors.
You ask your friends to "think out of the box"
when making Friday night plans.
You think Einstein would have been more effective
had he put his ideas into a matrix.
You think a "half-day" means leaving at
5 o'clock.
LIPS
(sent by Laurie Hale - Texas)
A principal for a small middle school had a problem
with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying
it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror
and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to
stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick
and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at
2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school
custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem
for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he
felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem
it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle
out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet,
moved to the mirrors and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips
on the mirror.
(ALSO FROM LAURIE)
In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a
sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the
sign, and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone
had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"
FINAL WORD FROM KEN
Thanks for all of the encouraging words about HF.
I have made so many new friends through this goofy little publication.
As many of you know I am transitioning from my pastoral role at
FBC Indian Rocks into the directorship of HEDGEBUILDERS. I officially
begin this new adventure Monday, June 15th. I covet
your prayers in this new role. In a few weeks I will be sending
you more information and asking for your help to get the word
out about HEDGEBUILDERS.
God bless and have a great week - Ken