Yo - happy 1998. Before I start let me say thank
you again to all of you who send me all sorts of neat and crazy
stuff for my "Neat Stuff" file. This is the file where
I go treasure hunting when it is time to do yet another Hello
Fridays newsletter. Also thanks to everyone who forwards Hello
Fridays on into cyber space.
There is no telling how many people get a good laugh
and maybe a profound spiritual thought from HF. I even had someone
forward it to me once. Boy was that weird. Finally, thanks for
all of the neat thank yous and words of encouragement you send.
It is appreciated.
THE LIONS DEN
I'm reading through Daniel this week. Today I read
about the lion's den. There is so much intrigue in this simple
story of total faith in God. Three thoughts.
1). Daniel never missed his quiet time, no matter what, he even did it 3 times a day.
When his unfair situation arose he was spiritual ready - He didn't wait until trouble struck to run to God.
That's how I want to be -READY!
FROM THE SUBLIME TO THE SILLY
REALLY FUNNY SIGNS
- submitted by EE HECK (via Bill Violette)
Here are a list of signs that really bring a laugh inside.
If you see any funny ones yourself, e-mail us at
signs@joke-of-the-day.com
Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on Labor Day.
Nonsmoking area: If we see you smoking we will
assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push"
On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a
vegetarian except the dog.
Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're
looking for, you've come to the right place.
Scientist's Door: Gone Fission
Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff.
Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels.
Butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.
Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition
Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is
expensive."
Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your
feet - miss a car payment.
Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear
you coming.
Hotel: "Help!" We need inn - experienced people.
Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you.
Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and
the 2nd one just left.
Veterinarians: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
Waiting Room
The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in
your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
Beauty Shop: Dye now!
Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what
you've got.
Computer Store: Out for a quick byte
Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come
in and get fed up.
Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin
drop.
Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat any place they want.
Music Library: Bach in a minuet.
Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait!
REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS (from Laurie Hale)
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting
tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
25 FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR (FROM CHIQUI POLO)
1. Make race car noises every time someone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to the
other passengers.
3. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
4. Crack open your briefcase or purse and ask: "Got enough air in there?"
5. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator and where yours upside-down.
6. Stand silent and motionless, facing the corner without getting off.
7. When arriving on your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open and then act embarrassed when they open themselves.
8. Greet everyone on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
9. Do Tai Chi exercises.
10. Stare, grinning at another person for awhile and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
11. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, Darn motion sickness!"
12. Meow occasionally.
13. Bet the other passengers that you can fit a quarter in your nose.
14. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
15. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
16. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
17. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
18. Start a sing-a-long.
19. Play the harmonica.
20. Shadow box.
21. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
22. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
23. Take a bite out of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
24. Blow spit bubbles.
TABLE FOR TWO (from John Locher)
by Kirsten Burgess
He sits by himself at a table for two. The uniformed
waiter returns to his sideand asks, "Would you like to go
ahead and order, sir?" The man has, after all, been waiting
since seven o'clock -- almost half an hour.
"No, thank you," the man smiles. "I'll
wait for her a while longer. How about some more coffee?"
"Certainly, sir."
The man sits, his clear blue eyes gazing straight through the flowered centerpiece. He fingers his napkin, allowing the sounds of light chatter, tinkling silverware, and mellow music to fill his mind. He is dressed in sport coat and tie. His dark brown hair is neatly combed, but one stray lock insists on dropping to his forehead. The scent of
his cologne adds to his clean cut image. He is dressed
up enough to make a companion feel important, respected, loved.
Yet he is not so formal as to make one uncomfortable. It seems
that he has taken every precaution to make others feel at ease
with him.
Still, he sits alone.
The waiter returns to fill the man's coffee cup.
"Is there anything else I can get for you, sir?"
"No, thank you."
The waiter remains standing at the table. Something tugs at his curiosity. "I don't mean to pry, but..." His voice trails off.
This line of conversation could jeopardize his tip.
"Go ahead," the man encourages. His is strong, yet sensitive, inviting
conversation.
"Why do you bother waiting for her?" the
waiter finally blurts out. This man has been at the restaurant
other evenings, always patiently alone.
Says the man quietly, "Because she needs me."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Well, sir, no offense, but assuming that she
needs you, she sure isn't acting much like it. She's stood you
up three times just this week."
The man winces, and looks down at the table. "Yes,
I know."
"Then why do you still come here and wait?"
"Cassie said that she would be here."
"She's said that before," the waiter protests.
"I wouldn't put up with it. Why do you?"
Now the man looks up, smiles at the waiter, and says
simply, "Because I love her."
The waiter walks away, wondering how one could love a girl who stands him up three times a week. The man must be crazy, he
decides. Across the room, he turns to look at the man again. The man slowly pours cream into his coffee. He twirls his spoon between
his fingers a few times before stirring sweetener into his cup. After staring for a moment into the liquid, the man brings the cup to his mouth and sips, silently watching those around him. He doesn't look crazy, the waiter admits. Maybe the girl has qualities that I don't know about. Or maybe the man's love is stronger than most. The waiter
shakes himself out of his musings to take an order
from a party of five.
The man watches the waiter, wonders if he's ever
been stood up. The man has, many times. But he still can't get
used to it. Each time, it hurts. He's looked forward to this evening
all day. He has many things, exciting things, to tell Cassie.
But, more importantly, he wants to hear Cassie's voice. He wants
her to tell him all about her day, her triumphs, her defeats....anything,
really. He has tried so many times to show Cassie how much he
loves her. He'd just like to know that she cares for him, too.
He sips sporadically at the coffee, and loses himself in thought,
knowing that Cassie is late, but still hoping that she will arrive.
The clock says nine-thirty when the waiter returns
to the man's table. "Is there anything I can get for you?"
The still empty chair stabs at the man. "No,
I think that will be all for tonight. May I have the check please?"
"Yes, sir."
When the waiter leaves, the man picks up the check. He pulls out his wallet and signs. He has enough money to have given Cassie a feast. But he takes out only enough to pay for his five cups of coffee
and the tip. Why do you do this, Cassie, his mind
cries as he gets up from the table.
"Good-bye," the waiter says, as the man
walks towards the door.
"Good night. Thank you for your service."
"You're welcome, sir," says the waiter
softly, for he sees the hurt in the man's eyes that his smile
doesn't hide.
The man passes a laughing young couple on his way
out, and his eyes glisten as he thinks of the good time he and
Cassie could have had. He stops at the front and makes reservations
for tomorrow. Maybe Cassie will be able to make it, he thinks.
"Seven o'clock tomorrow for party of two?"
the hostess confirms.
"That's right," the man replies.
"Do you think she'll come??" asks the hostess.
She doesn't mean to be rude, but she has watched the man many
times alone at his table for two.
"Someday, yes. And I will be waiting for her." The man buttons his overcoat and walks out of the restaurant, alone. His shoulders are hunched, but through the windows the hostess can only guess whether
they are hunched against the wind or against the
man's hurt.
As the man turns toward home, Cassie turns into bed. She is tired after an evening out with friends. As she reaches toward her night stand to set the alarm, she sees the note that she scribbled to herself last night. "7:00," it says. "Spend some time in prayer." Darn, she thinks. She
forgot again. She feels a twinge of guilt, but quickly
pushes it aside. She needed that time with her friends. And now
she needs her sleep. She can pray tomorrow night.
Jesus will forgive her.
And she's sure he doesn't mind.
FINAL WORD FROM KEN
I hope you have a great two weeks - Ken