BENEFITS
"On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night."
Psalm 63:6
In today's world one of the first questions we ask when we consider a new job is "What are the benefits?".
When someone asks us to do something we often respond,
"How will that benefit me?" I have always been inspired
by Psalm 103:2 where it encourages us not to forget the benefits
we get from God. It goes on to list the following benefits:
He forgives my sins
He heals my diseases
He redeems my life
He gives me love and compassion
He satisfies my desires with good things
He renews my youth
Recently, I was awakened in the middle of the night.
As I lay there in the darkness trying to go back to sleep I was
meditating on Psalm 103:2. I was living a real object lesson.
You see Diane and I had just purchased a new mattress. Our old
one was 16 years old and in remarkable sad shape. So we had gone
out and purchased a new one - a good one. So, as I was laying
there on my new, firm, comfortable mattress I started to think
about the other people in my time zone also trying to sleep. I
first thought about the folks in the many different prisons from
the tip of South America to the Arctic circle. Many of them were
sleeping in cold, dank, cells, often infested with bugs and rats.
Then I thought about the homeless, many sleeping in heaps of trash,
or on hard sidewalks. Finally, I considered the many poor who
live in shacks with dirt floors sleeping on piles of rags.
God blesses us so very much, even with simple things
we take for granted like a warm, clean bed with a sleepable mattress.
I encourage you today to say with the Psalmist; "Praise
the Lord , O my soul, and forget not his benefits."
FROM THE SUBLIME TO THE SILLY
Do You Ever Wonder? Sent in buy Laurie Hale
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window!
Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed, anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
Sue Kolinsky
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Carol Leifer
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
Jackie Gleason
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
Jay Leno
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
Stephen Leacock
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
Roger Simon
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight.
George Gobel
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the
Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
Billiam Coronel
Find the Common Sayings in these verbose renderings.
(sent in by Kell Freeman) answers below
l. Undue, unpremeditated velocity produces lavish prodigality.
2. When the ocular region perceives a greater quantity of fuel than can be accommodated, it immensely exceeds the capability of the internal organ located between the esophagus and the duodenum.
3. When traversing in the uppermost sections of a narrow aqueous body, one is said to be in a serious situation if lacking a means of mobility.
4. When one is desirous of obtaining proficiency at a certain task, the avenue of approach should be to train by repeated exercises.
5. A single graphic encasement of a point in history is equal in value to an entire kilo of verbiage.
6. A domicile location uniquely resides in the identical position of a hollow muscular organ maintaining the circulation of the blood.
7. A warm-blooded, plumed vertebrate which activates its energies quickly from a state of nocturnal oblivion is able to seize by force of stratagem the slender, sleek, soft-bodied, segmented animal which lives by burrowing underground.
8. It may be considered most injudicious for an individual to engage in lachrymation concerning an unintentional overflow of lacteous substances.
9. Lavatation may be considered in proximity to a state of piety.
10. When an operator of any motor vehicle approaches
a point of public highway which is intersected by the right-of-way
of a railroad, he is required by law to bring said motor vehicle
to a complete standstill, and then to verify by ocular inspection
whether or not a factor in a potential collision is approaching
from either direction along the aforementioned right-of-way, as
well as to substantiate the evidence thus attained by being attentive
to the auditory warning of such approach by a device designed
to emit an appropriate signal under such circumstances.
ANSWERS
1. Haste makes waste
2. Eyes are bigger than your stomach
3. Up the creek without a paddle
4. Practice makes perfect
5. A picture is worth a thousand words
6. Home is where the heart is
7. The early bird gets the worm
8. Shouldn't cry over spilled milk
9. Cleanliness is next to Godliness
From the hard Drive of Eric Kriby
(The following are actual signs seen all over the
U.S.A
At a Santa Fe gas station:
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass
container."
In a New York restaurant:
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil
ought to see the manager."
On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
--Sisters of Mercy"
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
"38 years on the same spot."
In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
In a Florida maternity ward:
"No children allowed."
In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy."
In the offices of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In a New York medical building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest
possible prices and workmanship."
At a number of military bases:
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
"Now available in multi-packs."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine
do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an
hour!"
On a shopping mall marquee:
"Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"
Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."
In the window of an Oregon store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can
come here?"
In a Maine restaurant:
"Open 7 days a week and weekends."
On a radiator repair garage:
"Best place to take a leak."
In the vestry of a New England church:
"Will the last person to leave please see that
the perpetual light is extinguished."
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers
from any but their own graves."
On a roller coaster:
"Watch your head."
On the grounds of a public school:
"No trespassing without permission."
On a Tennessee highway:
"When this sign is under water, this road is
impassable."
A parking sign In front of a Boston meditation center:
"Visualize Being Towed."
FINAL WORD FROM KEN
a-da, a-da, a-da that's all folks. Ken