Maybe I ought to change this to HELLO THURSDAYS?!?
Anyway, I hope you are having a great summer. Below you will find
some of my less than profound thoughts, and then a whole bunch
of fun stuff. The next HF will actually be sent out in three weeks
as I will be out of town for a while - enjoy the break!
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Theologian R. C. Sproul once said that the Christian
life can best be defined as a "disciplined struggle".
The more years I live as a believer the more I realize the truth
of R. C.'s assessment. I was just contemplating, this morning,
how my thought process has changed over the years, and how much
more challenging and demanding my new attitudes are. When I was
a kid I was consumed with the idea of fun. My mind would ask,
"What can I do next for fun?". As a young man my thoughts
were motivated by the need for gratification. My mind would ask,
"What can I do next to feel good - to enjoy life?".
Then after I married and settled down, my thoughts turned toward
significance. My mind would ask, "What can I do to impress,
or to make a difference, or to make my mark? But now that I have
passed the mid-point of life I find my thoughts turning more toward
the idea of pleasing God. That's where the struggle comes in.
I ask myself questions like, "Do I share my faith enough?",
"Is my life pleasing to God?", "Am I maturing in
my faith?", "Am I a good enough student of God's word?",
and so on.
Christianity is a process, not a goal to be achieved,
and so you are always striving to do better, to grow more, to
become more like Christ.
If you are not being challenged by your faith I suggest
you reevaluate. Paul challenges us to press on, upward toward
God's calling for our lives. Don't become complacent, satisfied,
lazy in your walk - it is easy to do. God has so much more for
us, and best of all, the way of the cross can be fun, gratifying,
and significant!! One day we will throw all of that stuff at Christ's
feet. And on that day our disciplined struggle will turn into
a victory dance!!
FROM THE SUBLIME TO THE SILLY
(This came in from a good
friend and fellow pastor Doug Jividen from Ohio)
BULLETIN BLOOPERS
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May
10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church
secretary.
8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the
addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some
older ones.
The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation
who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
(hope this one is not offensive - if it is I'm sorry)
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new
tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up
Yours.
(this came in from Missionary Melanie Hale in Romania)
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Moses: And God came down from heaven, and he said
unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." and the
chicken did cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Richard Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road,
I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean,
why doesn't anybody ever think to ask 'what was this chicken doing
out of his pen walking around all over the place anyway?'
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that
the chicken did cross the road reveals your underlying insecurity
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicke Office
780. Which will not only cross roads but will also lay eggs and
file your important documents.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the
chicken cross the road" But it is rather, "Who was crossing
the road at the same time, and whom have we overlooked in our
haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time have
been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically
predispositioned to cross roads.
Grandpa: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken
crossed the road. Someone told us he had and that was good enough
for us.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the
road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame
of reference.
Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken
nature.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?????
(This comes from former policemen Duane Williams
now residing in Northern Florida)
FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM A WALL STREET JOURNAL ARTICLE ABOUT STRUGGLING COMPUTER USERS:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was
found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them
individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken
personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't let her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her
response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller,
because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load
drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off
the drive!
(This is from Fred Kemp who just graduated from seminary
in North Carolina)
YOU COULD BE A SOUTHERN BAPTIST IF:
1. You believe you're supposed to take a covered dish to heaven when you die.
2. You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.
3. You have put an I. O. U. in the offering plate.
4. You think someone who says "Amen" while the pastor is preaching might be a charismatic.
5. You complain because your pastor only works one day a week, and then, he works too long.
6. You clapped in church last Sunday and have felt guilty about it all week.
7. You woke up one morning craving fried chicken and interpreted that as a call to preach.
8. You think the epistles are probably the wives of the apostles.
9. You are old enough to get a senior citizen discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the senior adult Sunday School Department.
Final word from Ken
I'm out of space but I have plenty of more fun stuff
to use in the future. Thanks to everyone who keeps sending it
my way. God bless you and keep on with your disciplined struggling.
Ken
PS I mentioned SMARTMALE in my last issue and then
gave you the wrong e-mail address. The correct e-mail address
is jimg@smartmale.com. Sorry!!!!