1998

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

This is my prayer for you in 1998 - that you come to a full understanding of the above verse. No matter what happens next year - good or bad - if it is God's plan for you and your family it is where you want to be. Ask God to give you the grace to handle poverty or riches, sickness or health, ease or difficulty.

Always remember that HE who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it! Philippians 1:6

FROM THE SUBLIME TO THE SILLY

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES

(sent in by Chiqui Polo)

* If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St.Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

* All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

* It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

* Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

* The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

* If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

* You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

* Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

* If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

* The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

* A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

* If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

* When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill-just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

* Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

* Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

* When displaying text, a computer always beeps as each letter and/or number appears on the screen.

* Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

* Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

* A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.

* Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

* Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

* Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

* It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

* Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

* All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

* It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

* If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

* Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the

communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

* It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight

involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

* No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

* Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

* When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

* You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

* Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

* Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

WHY ATHLETIC SCHOLARSHIP IS AN OXYMORON

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"

-- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

-- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

"You guys line up alphabetically by height"

-- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

-- Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements

"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class"

-- George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

-- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

-- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see the game anymore." -- Yogi Berra

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

-- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

-- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

NUN OF THAT (Laurie hale)

Early one morning a state police officer was cruising the interstate when he noticed a car in front of him going very slowly. He started pacing the vehicle and determined that it was going 24 miles per hour. He pulled the car over and went to talk to the driver. As he approached the car he noticed that the driver was a nun.

He said, Excuse me sister, but you were driving 24 miles per hour and this is an interstate highway. The speed limit is 65 mph and you are impeding traffic by going so slow. You need to keep up with the flow traffic.

The nun replied, Oh, I'm sorry. But, I saw several signs that said 24.

The trooper said, Those were signs indicating the highway number. He then noticed three more nuns in the back seat, all very pale, all cowering down in the seat and shaking. He asked, What's wrong with you ladies? Are you all right?

One responded shakily, We just got off of Route 119.

HMO PHOBIA(Laurie Hale)

In our continuing quest to shed light on the most perplexing issues of the day, here are answers to the common health care questions.

Q: What does HMO stand for?

A: This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q: Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A: No. Only those you need.

Q: I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A: Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is

still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!

Q: What are pre-existing conditions?

A: This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q: Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A: Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A: You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q: My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A: Poke yourself in the eye.

Q: I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?

A: You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q: What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A: Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q: No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A: You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q: I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A: Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q: What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?

A: Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q: Will health care be any different in the next century?

A: No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

FINAL WORD FROM KEN

Have a great 1998 - remember God is in control - aren't ya glad?!?

Ken Moody