HEDONISM
"If any man come after me let him deny himself………."
Jesus said those words and you know what - I believe He meant
them. Yet this is a stumbling block for most Christians (myself
included). Why is this a problem. It has to do with our flesh
- the flesh looks out for the flesh.
I was listening to the radio in my car the other
day and I heard the DJ make an unbelievable statement (at least
from my perspective on life). He said "My motto is this,
TO GET WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT IT, AND AS MUCH OF IT AS I WANT."
Hedonism (the doctrine that pleasure or happiness
is the sole or chief good in life) drives most people. It is so
prevalent in our country that we almost consider it a virtue.
But Jesus calls us to self denial. The way of the cross is selfless.
I challenge you today to live beyond your personal
wants and bless the world for God - this is where lasting happiness
is found.
FROM THE SUBLIME TO THE SILLY
HOW TO ANNOY OTHER PEOPLE
(sent in by John Nystrom)
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra
dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for
sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to
go."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally
with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running
in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's
what YOU think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific
papers and "cc." Them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs
up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in
accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping
your hands over your ears.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally"
flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people
are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can
make a "croaking" noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their
complimentary mints by the cash register.
20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. don t use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones
and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
"Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind,
it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk..
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping
on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no,
wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob
your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer
at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem
doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and
then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about
"psychological profiles."
33. TELL YOUR FRIENDS 4 DAYS PRIOR, THAT YOU CAN'T
ATTEND THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD!
34. Send this list to everyone in your email address
book even if they sent it to you or as
ANNOUNCING THE NEW BUILT-IN ORDERLY ORGANIZED KNOWLEDGE DEVICE (BOOK).
Sent in by Dave Burris
The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover!
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM. Here's how it works...
Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (pages) (recyclable), each sheet capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half. Experts are divided on the prospects for further
increases in information density; for now, BOOKs with more information simply use more sheets. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile crowd.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move
forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an
"index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location
of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous bookmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. Only the number of sheets in the BOOK limits the number.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text
entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable
Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being
hailed as the entertainment and education wave of the future.
The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators
havecommitted to the platform. Look for a flood of new titles
soon.
MORE COURTROOM BLOOPERS
(sent in by Jerry Violette)
A COLLECTION OF 'TRANSQUIPS'
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during
the proceedings. Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court, 1977 and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here
are some favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:
_______________________________________________________________________
Q.: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A.: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
_______________________________________________________________________
Q.: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A.: By death.
Q.: And by whose death was it terminated?
_______________________________________________________________________
Q.: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A.: Borofkin.
Q.: What's his first name?
A.: I can't remember.
Q.: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A.: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from
the witness chair and
pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first
name!
_______________________________________
Q.: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A.: I refuse to answer that question.
Q.: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A.: I refuse to answer that question.
Q.: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A.: No.
_______________________________________
Q.: What is your name?
A.: Ernestine McDowell.
Q.: And what is your marital status?
A.: Fair.
_______________________________________
Q.: Are you married?
A.: No, I'm divorced.
Q.: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A.: A lot of things I didn't know about.
_______________________________________
Q.: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A.: My ex-widow said it.
_______________________________________
Q.: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A.: Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
_______________________________________
Q.: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A.: I will be three months November 8th.
Q.: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A.: Yes.
Q.: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
_______________________________________
Q.: Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A.: I should be.
Q.: How many times have you committed suicide?
A.: Four times.
_______________________________________
Q.: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A.: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
_______________________________________
Q.: Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A.: Yes, sir.
Q.: Before or after he died?
_______________________________________
Q.: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A.: Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
_______________________________________
Q.: What happened then?
A.: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q.: Did he kill you?
A.: No.
_______________________________________
Q.: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A.: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________________
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
_______________________________________
Q.: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A.: No.
Q.: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A.: Picking them up in the air.
Q.: Where was the dog at this time?
A.: Attached to the ears.
_______________________________________
Q.: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were you able for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also would she have brought you, meaning are you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
_______________________________________
Q.: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A.: Oral.
Q.: How old are you?
A.: Oral.
_______________________________________
Q.: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A.: She is my daughter.
Q.: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
_______________________________________
Q.: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
_______________________________________
Q.: ...and what did he do then?
A.: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q.: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
_______________________________________
Q.: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A.: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the
furniture.
_______________________________________
Q.: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A.: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q.: It was covered?
A.: Yes, bandaged.
Q.: Then, later on... what did you see?
A.: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
_______________________________________
Q.: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A.: I could see his head.
Q.: And where was his head?
A.: Just above his shoulders.
_______________________________________
Q.: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A.: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
_______________________________________
Q.: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A.: The victim lived.
_______________________________________
Q.: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A.: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
_______________________________________
Q.: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A.: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
_______________________________________
Q.: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A.: It indicates intercourse.
Q.: Male sperm?
A.: That is the only kind I know.
_______________________________________
Q.: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A.: Yes, sir.
Q.: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
_______________________________________
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
_______________________________________
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No."
The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
"No."
"Did you check for breathing?"
"No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said,
"Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting
in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there
practicing law somewhere."
FIANL WORD FROM KEN
Well, I guess I'll put my brain back in the jar and
go home and get something to eat for dinner. I hope you got a
least one good laugh from the material above. God Bless - Ken